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Articles We've Written Articles previously published in The Community Advocate Whose Turn Is It Anyway? - Charlotte M Klaar, Director, College Consulting Serices It is often difficult for parents to separate themselves from their children during the process of choosing a college. Just at the time when Johnny or Susie is fighting valiantly to become a separate and independent individual, Mom and Dad find that their own self-esteem is vested in the success of their child - - - at least in the eyes of their adult peers. The cocktail party circuit or the PTA meeting becomes a venue for one-upmanship and disclosure of the most private matters of their children's lives. It is critical to keep in mind that your child has not failed if he or she does not choose to consider what the current "hot" school is or if that child will never make it into one of the more prestigious (read "name brand") schools in the country. What is critical is that the right match is made between what your child needs to succeed and a college that meets those needs. Even if the student has all the qualifications to gain admittance to one of these places, it may not be the right place for that child to fully experience college life. The college experience is more than academics. The student must be able to thoroughly partake of this experience in order to maximize his or her growth as a person. College students learn as much outside the classroom as they do within it. It might make some sense to consider the following rules of behavior and stick to them in order to make the next year less stressful for your student: Never answer when someone is rude enough to ask what your child's SAT or ACT score is. This is tantamount to asking you how much you earn. Politely answer, " He or She did very well and we are pleased," then close the discussion. Remember that other parents tend to exaggerate their child's accomplishments just in case your child had a better performance. Don't fall for that game. Listen, smile, and say, "That's great!" When you are asked to which schools your child is applying, respond that many wonderful places are under consideration. Don't fall for the bait when the other parent begins to rattle off an impressive list of colleges. It is important for you to remember that kids can apply anywhere. An application is not an acceptance! Stay calm! Remember that it is your child's turn in the spotlight this year not yours. Make sure that you don't turn that spotlight into an unpleasant one. Let your student take the lead and follow along as a supportive cheerleader. Don't make your child feel that he or she can't get into college unless you pull strings (this is a very bad idea) or that you will be disappointed if he or she doesn't attend a name brand school. I often tell parents that, if it is important for them to tie their parenting skills into the college that their children attend, they should buy a car banner from any school they choose and put it in their rear window. No one need ever know! On a more serious note, you might want to pick up one of the following books to help you through this difficult time: Almost Grown, by Patricia Pasick (W. W. Norton) Letting Go: A Parent's Guide to Understanding the College Years, by Karen Levin Coburn and Madge Lawrence Treeger (Harper Collins) To Top Preparing Your Senior for Leaving - Charlotte M Klaar, Director, College Consulting Serices Now that the commitments have been made and the deposits mailed, parents are faced with preparing their seniors for college life. The next four years will be wonderful for your child in spite of the inevitable bumps in the road. With some prior planning, these may be substantially alleviated. Be positive: If you repeatedly tell your student that he or she can be successful academically and socially while away from home, a sense of confidence will be built. Even those who seem the most ready to leave home have doubts about this new world they are entering. They may tell you that they do not need to have your reassurance, but give it anyway. They will appreciate your words. Bank Accounts: If your child is going to school out of Massachusetts, open a bank account for him or her near the college. It might be best to ask what banks operate on campus and what services they offer. Open a checking account in your student's name at home as well as one at school. If you must send money, all you need do is make a local deposit and your student can write him/herself a check to deposit into the other bank account. This eliminates the delay in waiting for money to arrive by mail. Some families send money on a monthly basis, particularly in the first year, so that the student can have practice budgeting. Work out a budget together prior to the beginning of the school year so that there is no misunderstanding as to how much is being sent and what expenses the student is responsible for. Credit Cards: Hopefully, your child has had a credit card in his or her own name for the last six months or so and you have been reconciling that card together monthly. Children need to be taught how to do this in order to understand that plastic is real money. If this has not yet happened, open one now with a relatively low spending limit and make sure you have a frank discussion as to what the card is to be used for. Do you plan to use it for emergencies or for books and regular expenses? Don't forget to clearly define what constitutes an emergency. Also caution your student that he or she will be inundated with credit card offers once on campus. These will give anything from a bottle of soda to a cute T-shirt and are very expensive ways to get these items. Convince your student, if you can, to resist these offers since the accumulation of credit card debt by college students is becoming an ever-increasing problem. Siblings: In the excitement of getting one child ready to leave home, don't forget that this is a very stressful time for younger siblings. Encourage them to talk freely about how they feel and, if possible, arrange for each to have a special outing with the student who is about to leave. Finally, as difficult as it is to see your child enter a new phase of life, congratulate yourself on a job well done. To Top Students and Summer - Charlotte M Klaar, Director, College Consulting Serices If you are the parent of a high school student, summer can be very stressful for you. Not only are the kids underfoot, but you also know that they can be making more productive use of their time than watching television or playing computer games. If you are lucky, your child has a job of some sort and is, perhaps, trying to work on college essays or preparing for the upcoming standardized tests. If not, you have my sympathy. There are some suggestions you can make, and maybe even enforce, as the summer wears on. In my practice I see two types of students. Those who come in with a record of summer activities as long as your arm and those who can't tell me much about what they have done. Unfortunately, many colleges want to know how the applicant has spent the last two or three summers prior to Senior year. Knowing this might give you the opportunity to encourage participation in a variety of activities which will enhance the application. Some of the things that make the colleges smile are: steady employment, travel, participation in sports, and volunteer service. If these things sound familiar, it is because they are the same types of activities which they want to see during the school year. If you can balance a few of these, the application is a standout. Family travel (the bane of existence for most teenagers!), particularly if it is to exotic places, is a wonderful use of time because it broadens the perspective of the student. Exposure to different cultures is wonderful for all of us since it helps us to understand how truly small we are in the greater scheme of things. Employment is also a good way to spend the summer. If no other activities are present, the work schedule should occupy more than 10 or 20 hours per week. Don't forget the value of babysitting or child care. Many of my clients forget to mention that they have had a job with the same family or two over a lengthy span of time. What could indicate more clearly a young person's reliability than having parents who are willing to entrust their children to him or her? If your student is an athlete, suggest that he or she volunteer to teach athletic skills to younger children in a camp setting or join a summer league or camp to enhance their own abilities for the coming season. Finally, there are many in our communities who need help in a variety of ways. Volunteer through your church or synagogue, work at a senior citizen residence, tutor younger children, volunteer your time in a hospital or veterinarian's office. The most valuable by-product of a busy summer is less time to get into trouble or to be bored. These factors are important far beyond the way they look on a college application. Have a great summer! To Top Preparing Your Child to Leave Home - Charlotte M Klaar, Director, College Consulting Serices As the summer progresses and many families are getting ready to send a child off to college, you may be wondering just how to prepare that child for the big, wide world. It is easy for us to get so involved in buying comforters and lamps that we ignore the truly important messages we should give our kids before they go away. It is very important to speak openly and candidly about topics which might be uncomfortable for you. The biggest mistake that we parents make is to assume that our children know more than they do. They may, in fact, be familiar with some issues they will face, but it doesn't hurt to remind them of what we expect of them. The following is a brief list of topics that should be covered. Drinking: We all know that our children have been making decisions as to whether, what and how much they will drink for most of their high school careers. The difference now will be that they will not be facing Mom and Dad when they return home at night. It is foolish for any of us to assume that any campus is truly dry. Emphasize to your child that if he or she decides to drink, it is imperative to drink responsibly. This means that the designated driver is the most important member of the group and that no one who has had too much to drink is ever allowed to sleep without someone who is sober watching him or her. It might help to also explain that a responsible designated driver who never drinks is always the first one invited to the party. This may give an incentive for your child to be that person. Drugs: Drugs are freely available in and around most college campuses. This is a fact that is not comfortable for anyone. Rehearse with your child the many ways to avoid this trap. Be sure to explain to them that marijuana is, in fact, a drug. You may wish to have in your hand a study or two which details the damage that this drug does. These should be readily available either from the Internet or from the DARE officer at the local police department. There are many other drugs of which they need to be cautious. Tell your daughters, in particular, that when they are at a party or club, never to leave their glass (which hopefully contains soda) unattended. It is very easy for someone to drop a pill into a glass and your daughter won't know what hit her until it is too late to help herself. Sex: We all know that the freedom children will have in college is more than they have at home. Have a very frank discussion in which you reinforce the moral values and standards by which your family lives. It is also important to remind your children that pregnancy is not the only consequence to unprotected sex. There are a plethora of sexually transmitted diseases which can cause permanent damage and even death. It may be uncomfortable for you to have these discussions with your child and it may appear that he or she is not listening. Believe me that they will hear all you say and, more importantly, will appreciate your concern. They will remember! To Top Letting Go - Charlotte M Klaar, Director, College Consulting Serices As I stood in my driveway this morning waving goodbye to my youngest daughter, I thought of all of you who either have just or are about to send your child off to college. I think sometimes that I have been saying goodbye to this particular child for most of the last six years and still the lump forms in my throat and the tears come to my eyes. Today's farewell was because she is leaving for graduate school in another state. I have dropped her off at college, moved her into an apartment in the city, and made frequent moves back home in between. Now I am seeing her off yet again for another step on her road to independence. Although it is hard, I know each time that I send her off that I have done my job. Given that, I would like to share with you some of the ways in which I have coped with this situation. Friends: I find it very important to have someone to talk to about how conflicted I feel whenever she leaves. Let's face it, it is not easy living with first a teenager and then a young adult who comes home for a few weeks or months at time and believes that her parents' lives should follow the pattern she wishes. It is therapeutic to speak openly about your feelings to someone who will not think you are a terrible parent for occasionally wishing that your child lived somewhere else. This will be the same person who will hear you in a few days talk about how much you miss and are worried about the same child without thinking that you have lost your mind. Outside interests: It is advisable to do what my daughter often tells me I should do: Get a life. This means find some interests outside your home that will help fill the void that often occurs when our children begin to need us less. Get involved with community service activities, take up yoga, learn to play bridge, start a business, go back to school yourself. I have done all of those things in the years since my daughters graduated from high school and I believe that I am a more well-rounded person because of it. Let them be: Help your children adjust to their new surroundings without constant reminders that you are lonely without them. Believe it or not, they will worry about you if they think you can't make it unless they are there to nag you. Just think about how confused they will be to know that you have interests in addition to being their mother or father! Finally, you may wish to get the book "Letting Go" for those making the transition to college or "I'm Still Your Mother" for those whose children are on to more adult endeavors such as graduate school or living on their own. Although it doesn't get easier, it is imperative to understand that as our children move on in their lives it is evidence that we have done our jobs as parents. To Top Combating Fear - Charlotte M Klaar, Director, College Consulting Serices This last week has been a difficult one for our country. I believe that it is even more difficult for those of you who recently dropped your child off at a college in either New York or Washington DC. Our natural inclination as parents is to bring our children close to us so that we may protect them from harm. It is unfortunate that in doing so we may be doing more harm to their growth as mature citizens than we will be helping them. Earlier this week, my daughter, who is in New York, expressed concern about traveling over the bridges and in the tunnels of the city. She wanted to come home but could figure no way to do that and meet her academic obligations. I heard the fear in her voice and knew that the last place she should be is in a car for a four-hour drive. My husband and I agreed that she was in no immediate danger and that, in spite of our own fears, we needed to free her to live a full life. I suggested alternative means for her to reach her destination and encouraged her to turn off the television and find friends with whom to share a meal or simply spend some quality time. I also told her that living her life in fear would diminish the quality of that life without in any way changing the manner in which world events would unfold. She went to give blood and attended church, which seemed to put life back into perspective for her. Now that she is back in the full academic swing her spirits are rising and, although she will exercise more caution, her life is moving forward. For those of you who are just beginning the college search with your Juniors or Seniors, I implore you to allow your children to explore all the wonderful institutions available to them. Don't discount large cities because the danger may be greater there. You need only to look to Oklahoma City to know that danger is wherever evildoers want to put it. If we cripple our children by teaching them to live in fear and hiding, those who want our way of life to end have won part of the battle. We must stand strong in defense of our children and not close their options off to them. To Top More on the High School Freshman - Charlotte M Klaar, Director, College Consulting Serices If you are the parent of a high school freshman, this is about the time that you are beginning to feel that you no longer have a grip on your child's academic or social life. The high school schedule, both during and after school, is foreign territory for most families and students are quick to understand that their parents don't truly know where they are all day. This is exhilarating to those who want to skirt the edge of rebellion. It is also a time when it is difficult for parents to check on whether that late meeting is really happening or is the child simply using this newfound freedom to "hang out" a little longer. The following may help you to keep your sanity. Friends: It is more important than ever before to keep tabs on the friends your child is choosing. For the first time your student is meeting people from other neighborhoods and other towns. This means that you probably don't know the family structure and values with which the new friend has been raised. I always found it helpful to invite new friends to have dinner with us. It is amazing how much you can learn simply by watching how children interact with each other and how comfortably the other child interacts with you. It is relatively easy to separate a child who is naturally shy around adults from the child who is devious or who does not respect adults. It is also helpful to be available to drive your child and his or her friends. It always amazed me that children would forget that there was a driver in the car and let slip all kinds of information. Involvement: It is extremely important to become involved in your high school's parent teacher organization and to be an active member. If your school does not have a PTO, start one! It will do you and your community good to be able to help make the high school experience a better one for all our children. When I first came to Massachusetts the PTO at my local school consisted of one member. Today it is a vibrant and thriving group with a wonderful newsletter that keeps parents informed about what is happening at the school and is a support to the teachers who spend more time with our children than we do. Awareness: It is imperative that you maintain an awareness of any changes in your child's dress, attitude, behaviors, sudden shifts in mood beyond that which can be explained by hormones, and any other things that make you uncomfortable. You are the parent and you know your child better than anyone else. If you feel that something is wrong either physically or emotionally with your child, get help. If you suspect that your child may be pushing the limits too far, speak to other parents about what limits for a 14 or 15 year old may be appropriate. Fit that information into your own comfort zone and be consistent with your child about what you expect. Clearly discuss consequences for a lack of adherence to the rules and, most importantly, follow through. This is a time when you will be tested much as you were when your child was a toddler only now the stakes are much higher. It should not be your goal to be popular with your child. You must remain the parent, but be open to discussing with your child his or her point of view on an issue. Communication is important. It is important to remember that college planning begins in grade 9. The actions your child chooses to take now will affect the transcript, rank and other information on the college applications in a few years. Developing good habits now can make the whole process easier later! To Top Children in an Uncertain World - Charlotte M Klaar, Director, College Consulting Serices Ordinarily, this column deals with issues related to college and how to get there. Today, I want to discuss with you the issues our children are facing in a time of great uncertainty in our own country and in the world. As some of you may be aware, I have two daughters in their 20's. One attends graduate school in New York City and the other lives and works just outside of Washington, DC. As you can imagine, this causes great anxiety for my husband and me. When our younger daughter calls to say that she can't wait to come home to a summer internship because she is becoming increasingly anxious about living in New York, I have to bite my tongue and encourage her not to let world affairs cripple her life. I am sure that many of you whose children are still at home are wondering how to handle the fears of your children no matter what their ages. The following is my advice. Children may not know how to articulate their concerns to the adults around them because we adults are also experiencing fear and uncertainty. The question is: how do we comfort our children without lying to them? As I see it, the answer depends on the age of the child. If you are the parent of an elementary school child, the most important thing to emphasize is that you will be there to protect them and that they will not be alone no matter what happens. Reinforce for the child that their teachers are also willing and able to protect them until you can be there. Form for the child a circle of loving concern that does not teach him/her to live in fear. If your child is in Middle School, he may seem more savvy about world events and may even be making a large show of how brave he is. Or she may be wallowing in fear and not be willing to leave your side. Both of these reactions are perfectly normal and in each case, the child is asking for the same reassurance that younger siblings need. For high school students, particularly the juniors and seniors who are facing leaving the safety of their homes, the problem is more complex. This is a time of weighty decisions for them in their academic lives coupled with the possibility for disruption in their personal lives as well. They are mature enough to realize the full import of world events and the possible consequences we, as Americans, face. Regardless of your political views or, for that matter, your child's, this is a time to discuss with them adult-to-adult what their fears are and to try to help them deal with these fears. Be honest about your own reactions to world events, but also be understanding that your child may not agree with your opinions. Reinforce that you each have the right to disagree in a mature manner and do not belittle the conclusions to which your child has come. Make sure to remind those students preparing to leave home that you have provided the tools for them to live in the world and that you are confident that they will make the correct decisions no matter what crisis arises. Also, remind your child that you are not very far away and that you will always be there should he/she need you. In addition to all the above suggestions, it might be a time to remind your child that none of us stands alone in this world. We are each dependent on others and together we can make the world a better place for all. If you have a belief system that works for you and your family, encourage your children to turn to that system for comfort. If you do so together, you might all feel better! To Top Parenting 101 - Charlotte M Klaar, Director, College Consulting Serices Most people would agree that parenting is the single most important job that we have. Unlike other important milestones in our lives, there is little preparation given to it. Unlike marriage which requires a license and waiting period, or driving a car which requires a certain age and a test of skills, anyone can have a child either by birth or adoption. Although adoptive parents have their lives thoroughly examined before being given a child and are so happy to have the opportunity to parent that they often do it with more thought and education, they don't get training for the day that baby or child comes home any more than do birth parents. The dilemma is often how to parent effectively. The following may help: Hold with open hands: Always give your children the knowledge that you are there to support them in their endeavors but that you recognize that they are truly separate people from you. Do not take credit for their accomplishments and do not live your dreams through them. Give your child the opportunity to fail: As parents it is always our goal to save our children from hurt. When they are toddlers, we watch each step and are there to prevent a fall. When they are older, we must not run interference for them which will remove from them the consequences of their own actions. This is particularly true in relation to their school lives. If your child hands work in late or not at all and grades are affected, the teacher is not to blame and you do vast amounts of damage when you intervene. Treat your child with respect: Oftentimes we have one set of courtesy rules for family and one for those outside the family. Children are frequently treated with disdain by adults. Understand that your child's view of him/herself is directly related to the manner in which you speak to him/her and to the body language you use when communicating. Keep your impatience in check. If you would not say or act with another adult outside the family in the same way you speak or act with your child, you are doing damage. Have high expectations: No matter what your child's capabilities are, hold the bar high enough for him/her to reach up. We don't want to have unrealistic expectations for our children, but neither do we want to expect so little that the child does not work hard and try to consistently do better. I frequently see students in my office who won't consider a class taught by a certain teacher because that person "gives too much work" or "expects a lot from students." What is upsetting is that often the parent is supporting this decision so that the child is free of work. Put athletics into the right perspective: If your child is a good athlete that does not free him/her from the primary job of children --- academic achievement. If you consistently allow the child to put athletics before academics, don't be surprised when you do not have a scholar-athlete. Look at the Duke basketball team. The coach insists that his players keep up with their studies or they don't play. Duke recruits have achieved both academically and athletically or they don't get on the team. If you keep to the above rules, your child will turn out to be a secure individual, your relationship will be one of mutual respect and your child's choices when it comes to college and beyond will be better than you could have ever imagined. To Top Back to School - Charlotte M Klaar, Director, College Consulting Serices Autumn is a wonderful time of year in New England for many reasons. For parents, one of the greatest joys is sending the children back to school, unless that child is going off to college for the first time. The following is advice for coping and helping your child cope with beginning a new school year regardless of the age of the child. College: If this is the first time you are sending a youngster off to college, you probably have very mixed emotions. No doubt, this summer has been one of constant pushing and pulling between you and your suddenly difficult young adult. I believe that making themselves as obnoxious as possible is the only way some kids can leave and some parents can let them go. Hopefully, you have kept the lines of communication open and you will receive that longed-for phone call without much delay. I suggest that you let your child take the lead in how often he/she calls from college. You should not check in every day nor should you expect your child to do so. Remember that at some point in the first eight weeks, homesickness will strike. Be reassuring but DO NOT offer to let him/her come home until fall break. Talk of transfer will fade by the end of the first year. Tell your student that you will discuss that when they come home for Winter Break and you can take the spring to get applications ready. Somehow, just knowing they can make a change removes from the student the need to do it. Make sure that you have been clear with your child about his/her financial responsibilities and yours. Warn them about how easy it is to get credit cards on campus and the dangers of doing that. Many of today's students graduate with more credit card debt than the amount of their student loans. High School: If your child is going back to or starting high school, remind him/her that the first priority must be good grades and that athletics come second. Very few students get into a good college because of athletic prowess, so don't send the wrong message to your child. If your child is going into junior year, now is the time to begin discussing college plans in general terms. Make sure that appropriate standardized tests are taken on time and that you open a dialogue about the kinds of colleges which he/she would like to consider. Go beyond the names you know to colleges which do a great job but are less well known. These may also cost you less and may be a better fit for your child. If your student is beginning high school, set parameters immediately about the importance of making good choices in friendships as well as in relation to decisions around drinking and sex. Keep the lines of communication open so that your child will come to you with questions or problems. K-8: Help your child establish good study habits and encourage him/her to read regularly. This will be of enormous help in later years. Make sure that you create a loving and positive atmosphere in your home so that your child will know that he/she is appreciated for the wonderfully unique person he/she is. Have family time together to share a meal and discuss what is going on in each other's lives. This helps your child to appreciate what being a member of a family is and to later extend this to the community at large. Give your child responsibilities in the home. This will teach good citizenship. Set limits for your child and stick to them. This gives him/her a sense of security. Finally, if you have something negative to say about a teacher, a neighbor, a friend, your spouse, do not say it in front of your child. This will teach him/her about positive interactions. To Top Values Education: A Holiday Message - Charlotte M Klaar, Director, College Consulting Serices I recently received a mailing from a high school in Texas that included an interesting mission statement, and it got me thinking about the education we give children at all levels. It occurs to me that something is missing in many of the children I have met and that is a sense of purpose and direction. This is not to say that they are not focused on their academic and athletic lives or don't know what career path they think they may follow. It goes deeper than that. It is a sense of something larger than themselves in the universe. Some people call this God, others a life force. Regardless of your perception or the name you give to this, it is important for all of us, particularly children, to recognize that we are not the center of the universe. The goals which my Texas friends enumerated in their mission statement follow, along with my impressions of what they should mean to us. Spirituality is Intentional: Kids are all looking for some truth to hang on to. If you have shared your faith with your child, that is wonderful. If you have not or do not practice a particular faith, that too is OK provided that you have given your child the tools to explore his/her spirituality. Children are naturally curious and they all go through a cynical stage during which they doubt all that they have been taught. This is fine and it is important to support your child in the search for a greater meaning to life than that which is visible. One can be spiritual without being a member of a particular sect. The important thing is to know that how we treat one another is more important than how we treat ourselves. I was privileged to have met a young man this year who is one of the most truly spiritual people I know. Not because he is a person of faith, which he is, but because he is a person who dug deeply into his faith to find its roots and to discover what makes sense to him and what does not. His beliefs are hard-won because he wrestled with their meanings. How many adults can say the same thing? Courage is Contagious: This goal made me think of all the pressures on kids today --- drugs, sex, cheating, etc. I wonder sometimes about the example we adults set. If your child is not held to a high moral standard, how is he/she ever to form a code of behavior which transcends the usual? It is up to us to help youngsters understand that there are no shortcuts to living a moral life. If we encourage them to be the trendsetters in their particular group rather than the followers, peer pressure becomes a positive issue not a negative factor in their lives. I know a young woman who is proud to be just that for her school community. She would rather spend Saturday night alone than take part in or be witness to behaviors that are outside her moral code. It was not always easy for her but, finally, in her senior year, she has a group of friends who share her ideas and have developed the courage to live by them. Her example became a powerful force without her having said a word. How is your example affecting your child? Discipline is Nurtured: Self-discipline is the most difficult trait for us to develop. How can we expect our children to learn to discipline themselves if we never give them the opportunity to take responsibility for their actions? Think about the times you were held accountable for decisions you made. They may have been painful or embarrassing experiences but I am sure that you remember them. This would not be the case if your parents had told you that they would take care of it and that you did not have to worry. In order for us to take pleasure in our successes, we must have the opportunity to fail. And that means also to be responsible for the consequences of our actions. Character is Cultivated: This is my favorite because it is the culmination of the development of all that I have discussed previously. We are not born with character; we build it as we grow. It is the end-result of all that we do and say and believe. It must ripen and steep to be effective and to come as second nature to us. Conscience is the key here. If you do not nurture a good conscience then it will not grow. If you continually make excuses for your child and blame everyone else for his/her behavior or failings, the child's character has no reason to grow. Steven Wright, a great scientist, has been quoted as saying, "A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good." This is the key. Feeling good is great if you have earned it. Some day we each must look ourselves in the mirror to see the kind of person we are. The greatest gift you can give your child is the recognition that he/she is a good person and that you know the character that you have helped cultivate within him/her is a strong one built to withstand the winds of life. To Top Life Choices for Students - Charlotte M Klaar, Director, College Consulting Serices One of the most interesting phenomena that I see in my work with families is the extent to which parents become invested in the choices of their children. In some cases this is a very positive interaction where the child is encouraged to explore his/her choices in a meaningful manner. All too frequently, though, I find that parental choices overwhelm the student's quest to develop into the person he/she should become. As we all know, there is nothing worse than being in a career where getting up and going to work in the morning is a chore. There are certain decisions which must be left in the hands of the student even if you, as the parent, believe that decision to be incorrect. Children learn only if they have the opportunity to both succeed and to fail. As always, I have some suggestions. College Choice: The key to this one is to remember who is actually going to live on the campus. It is not you, the parents. Your child may want an environment different from that which you envision for him/her. You may be invested, without realizing it, in your own ego boost to telling friends and colleagues that your child is attending this or that well-known college. Your child may be more interested in the campus environment, both academic and social, within which he/she feels comfortable and is less involved in name recognition. Let the choice be your child's. If necessary, buy a sticker for the college YOU want to attend and put it on your car. Lie to those you want to impress. Above all, do not force your decision on your child. This is a recipe for disaster and will cause much anxiety in the student. Career Choice: There are two elements to look at when choosing a career. The first is choosing an occupation that you love to do and the second is choosing one that you are good at. No one can or should make those decisions for you. You should not choose for someone else even if that someone is your son or daughter. If your seventeen-year-old does not know what careers will fulfill the two criteria I listed above, applaud! This means that he/she will enter college open to the myriad opportunities for study available there and be willing to explore them fully. This is a great way to ignite a passion and to find the career which will give pleasure in the long term. Support these efforts on behalf of your child. Today's student changes majors about three times in college. It makes more sense to not declare until the end of the sophomore year when the opportunity to experience the core curriculum has ended. My husband and I told our daughters that they had four years of college for which we would pay. If you are concerned about raising a professional student, lay this criterion down for your child as well. If he/she does not find the right fit, the last year or years is on his/her own dime. This precludes the temptation to continue living off the fat of the land. Obviously, if your child is choosing a degree program like engineering or architecture which requires five years to complete, this does not apply. It is very hard for all of us who are parents to separate from our children and to allow them the latitude to make their own decisions regarding their lives. In order for us to give them this gift we must learn to hold with open hands. It is of particular difficulty when we are launching an untested and, still in our eyes, immature person. Trust that you have given your child all the correct messages in the first seventeen years for him/her to properly handle the rest. To Top Resources for Parents - Charlotte M Klaar, Director, College Consulting Serices One of the most persistent requests I have from parents is for reading material and Internet resources with which they can learn how best to parent their child. This article should help add to the resources I have previously mentioned in other articles. An IECA colleague of mine recommended the following web site: aboutourkids.org, which I have found offers a great deal of useful information regardless of the age of your child. As you scroll through the page, you will find advice for different stages of development. In addition, the site has a search feature through which you can find information on particular subjects including learning differences. For athletes and their parents: Two books have come to my attention recently which are important reads for the parents of student athletes. The first is "Reclaiming the Game" by William G. Bowen and Sarah A. Levin. This book gives a statistical picture of the ever-increasing division between academic and athletic performance in our colleges. The second book on college athletics is less statistical and more reader-friendly. It is "Unpaid Professionals" by Andrew Zimbalist. Before encouraging your student to commit him/herself to participation in college athletics, these are good reads. I shudder when parents come to me and say that they have read all there is to read about the admissions "game." The recent spate of popular books by disgruntled admissions people at high ranking institutions gives insight only into what happened at their particular institution while they were there, and this information is viewed through the lens of how to sell the most books. Of equal concern to me are those parents who spout college ranking numbers and target specific schools based on those rankings without giving thought to the college's particular fit for their particular student. That fit, as you have heard me say repeatedly over the last six years, is the only critical factor in choosing a college. The book I would like to recommend for you ranking junkies is "College Rankings Exposed" by Paul Boyer. The book is an easy read and gives good insight into just what is important in choosing a college. Another book, "College Admissions Trade Secrets" by Andrew Allen, is also an easy-to-read primer on the college admissions process. Much of the advice he gives is advice that I have given to families in my ten years of working with students. In the parenting category are three sources which I found wonderful: "Please Understand ME II" by David Keirsey which discusses temperament and its effect on family life. In particular, how you can respond to your child's temperament and understand him/her better. "Raising Respectful Kids in a Rude World" by Gary D. McKay, Ph.D., Joyce L. McKay, Ph.D., et al. The title of this book says it all. It contains helpful strategies on all aspects of parenting for mutual respect. "Overindulged Children: A Parent's Guide to Mentoring" by Dr. James A. Fogarty, Ed.D. This book addresses the problem of entitlement and excess facing our children and how to navigate these waters to raise children who know not only their rights but also their responsibilities. If you have any other resources which you have found helpful, please send them along to me at this paper and I will review and share them with others. In addition, if you have questions of general interest and would like to send them, I will answer them in this column. Happy Spring! To Top Wishing Doesn't Make It So - Charlotte M Klaar, Director, College Consulting Serices This is the time of year when seniors begin refining their college lists and juniors and their parents begin to think about the colleges they hope to attend. Sometimes this process is fraught with difficulty because of differing expectations between the parent and the student or because the student does not truly understand that previous commitment is what is necessary for future success. Often, it is the hailed athlete in a high school who, because of his or her contributions to the athletic program, has been defined only as an athlete and not as a scholar-athlete although there are many of these. Frequently, parents know the names of the top 100 schools and it is to these that they aspire for their child. Junior or senior year is too late for these aspirations. I have written frequently of the volatility of the college admissions process and I am sure you have read elsewhere about this phenomenon. The question remains, how to help your child feel successful when, for the first time in his/her life, others are judging the worthiness of this child you love. Some tips follow: Junior Parents: Take a realistic look at your child's academic achievements or lack thereof. If there have been holes in the course of study which has been chosen to this point, try to use junior and senior year to fill them. Although many colleges say they recommend three years of each of the core subjects and four years of English, four years of each core element is what is now really expected at the colleges in the top tiers. Don't forget that your child is competing for a college seat not only with the other members of his/her high school but also with students from all over the country from both public and private schools. If your child has a learning difference, acknowledge it and help him/her learn the coping mechanisms to work without support. At the college level, LD support has as its primary goal making the student independent of help. It is not so at the K-12 level. Help your child view the problem not as a never-ending disease but rather as a difference in the way information is processed. If your child is truly working hard in classes that challenge him/her and is not capable of achieving grades of A or B, acknowledge that and don't press for more than the child can deliver. On the other hand, keep in mind that the unweighted high school GPA today for greater than 40% of students is A minus and only about 4% of students have GPAs of C minus or lower (Source: American Council on Education). If your student is not achieving at that level, suspect that he/she is either not working hard enough or that a learning issue may exist. Just as doctors say, "When you hear hoof beats, suspect horses not zebras," the chances are that the reason for a lack of performance is the former and not the latter. Finally, when you begin your college search with your child, don't visit Harvard or Brown with a child who is not at the top of his or her class. Of course, he/she will love the campus but you are sending a subliminal message that this is YOUR criteria for success. If you are unsure how to dispassionately evaluate colleges that provide the right fit for your child, get help from a certified professional who regularly visits campuses and keeps a finger on the pulse of what is going on in the admissions process. Senior Parents: Your quest is almost over, but remember to re-evaluate the college list in terms of the recently released selectivity ratings for colleges using last year's data. There has been a seismic shift in how difficult it is to gain admittance to some schools. Remember to factor in your geographic location when looking at these numbers. For example, if the great preponderance of students from your area is applying to a local school, your student's GPA and SAT must be even better than the average scores of students who come from other regions. Also, make sure that your child has taken all the courses required for graduation and is continuing to challenge him/herself for the full senior year. This is a great time for you and your student. Enjoy it! To Top Holiday Gifts for Kids - Charlotte M Klaar, Director, College Consulting Serices This is the time of year when we are thinking about what we can give our children, regardless of their ages, to show them how much we love them. Often, the gifts they ask for are either very expensive or inappropriate to their ages. I decided that in this column, I would share some ideas for gifts that would never break and would enhance both your child's development and your relationship with him/her. Structure: This is a gift that makes the child sure that (s)he is loved enough for you to take the time to keep your word. It is often difficult in our crazy world to have any structure for our kids. Unfortunately, without some structure to their lives, children feel at loose ends and don't know their limits. Research has proven that families who sit together at a family meal at least four times a week have children who are less likely to smoke or do drugs. This is a difficult commitment to make, but one that is well worth the effort. Accountability: Let your child, no matter how young, know that (s)he is responsible for the decisions (s)he makes. Also, be sure to reinforce that you will love her/him no matter how much you despise the behavioral decisions (s)he has made. Standing by your children is not the same thing as making problems go away for them. Adults who consistently blame others for their problems were probably children who were never held responsible for their actions. Time to be Kids: I spoke above about structure but this is not the same as over scheduling kids. We somehow expect our children to do the work of learning, be star athletes or musicians or dancers, and take part in every club there is. This is exhausting and not good for the child. Time must be given to allowing children to rest, think, and simply entertain themselves. We have a culture in which it is frowned upon if every possible "advantage" is not given to our children. These advantages are often detrimental. How many electronic toys does a kid need before his/her brain can only respond to stimuli in 15 second increments? How much TV can they watch before they think that promiscuity and violence are the way everyone lives and that they are not with it if they are not sexually active in middle school? The back yard and play room should be electronics free zones. When your child says that (s)he is bored, hand him a book. Someone to Admire: Be a role model for your kids. They will mimic your behaviors. If you skirt the honesty line, they will as well. Practice what you preach and live as you hope your child will live one day. Take part in volunteer service in your community. Make this a family effort. Vote regularly and ensure that you discuss community, national and world issues with your children. This will teach the child to think critically. If you are an informed citizen, so will they be. Respect differences of opinion your child may have. This will teach him/her to be tolerant of the opinions of others. Show your child that you know how to make use of down time. Don't fill your days and nights to the point of exhaustion and then tell your child that (s)he needs to rest. Your child is not your friend. Demand respect and be respectful of your child. Laugh with your Kids: Make time for fun together. Read a book to your child. Let him/her read to you. Sit quietly together. Build something. Cook together. Reinforce that home is a safe place wherein (s)he can express any thought. Have fun together. These years fly by too quickly! To Top Old News - Charlotte M Klaar, Director, College Consulting Serices I have just returned from the IECA (Independent Educational Consultants Association) spring conference in Denver, Colorado. While there, I was pleased to hear Foster Cline, a speaker on parenting, who reminded me how far we have come from common sense. Dr. Cline's Love and Logic Institute reminds us of how we, if we were lucky, were parented and how we should be parenting our children. The premise of parenting with both love and logic does not depend on parents ‘saving’ children from the results of their own actions. Rather, it clearly explains what the consequences might be and allows the child to make choices. Rather than the helicopter parent who hovers incessantly just over the head of the child, this style of parenting speaks clearly and truly and is there to continue to give the child support and love but not rescue. Our children need to know that there is nothing they can do that will remove our love from them, but they must also know that they will bear the consequences of those actions which they choose to take that are outside what we will tolerate. Rather than inferring from this statement that our tolerance for poor choices should increase as the child matures, the message is that we state clearly and simply what we will do or not do in response to a choice the child makes and then do it. There is no reason for raised voices or idle threats in this system of parenting. Threats are not part of the process at all. For example, if you tell your child that (s)he will not be allowed to go out on a weekend if the chores are not done, there is no discussion. Where we fail as parents is when we participate in a lengthy debate after we have made our position clear. The first time you back away from what you have said, you are lost. If any of you have watched "Super Nanny" on TV lately, you will know exactly what I am talking about. It amazes me to see how messed up some families can get by giving children the power in a household. You are the parent and, as such, you hold the cards. If your child is telling you how to live, you are neither in control nor are you giving your child the security that (s)he needs to become a healthy adult. Children want to know their limits and to be secure in the knowledge that the lines are clearly drawn. As your child grows and matures, it is time to loosen the reins a bit so that more decisions are in his/her hands. This does not mean that you give up your voice in the process, but rather that you speak your opinion clearly and follow through with what you have promised will happen should your child's decisions be less than optimal. If you tell your kids that you will never bail them out of jail, don't! If you tell your child that you will not drive him/her to school if (s)he misses the school bus again, don't! Or, drive the child and charge taxi fare which the child must earn. What this all means is that we should be careful what we promise will happen in response to a particular action and that we should allow our children to make their own decisions with increasing frequency as they grow older. How else will they learn to make decisions when they go to college or move away from our homes to be adults? In order for our children to be confident in their decisions, we must not only help them learn how to succeed, but also give them the opportunity to fail. I highly recommend the following books for you to read: Parenting Teens With Love & Logic: Preparing Adolescents for Responsible Adulthood Parenting With Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility Both books are written by Foster Cline MD and Jim Fay and are published by Pinon Press. The latter is for children from birth to about grade 8 and the former for those entering the teen years. To Top Graduation for Parents - Charlotte M Klaar, Director, College Consulting Serices I recently had the privilege to visit St. Rose of Lima Church in Northborough and hear Fr. James Houston reflect on the subject of graduation. His premise was that we should think of graduation not only as an academic event; in a way, our lives are a series of ‘graduations’ from one thing to another. He mentioned graduating from being a smoker to a non-smoker, from being a workaholic to understanding the need to slow down and appreciate life, and many other ‘graduations’ which can occur at any stage of our lives. His homily got me thinking about how we, as parents, can graduate from some habits which inhibit our children to habits that enable them to become productive and responsible adults. Some examples of these follow: Graduate from enabling your child to remain immature to enabling that child to grow emotionally. You can do this by allowing the child to become self-reliant. Stop rescuing your children at every available opportunity. This simply teaches them that without us they cannot survive and produces the exact opposite result from that which we wish them to internalize. We all want to be important to our children, and this will be the case even when they grow to become adults themselves. There is no need to try to keep them dependent on us. Eventually, they will resent it and the breaking away will be much more traumatic. Graduate from being your child's slave. You can do this by expecting your child from the earliest of ages to do for him/herself what can be done. Even toddlers can be taught to clean up their toys and to get their own things. I am not saying that reasonable requests should be ignored nor am I saying that parents should never go out of their way for a child. What I am saying is that, if your child begins to take for granted the niceties you do for them, you have done too much and must back off. Children want to look up to you. They don't need you to be their whipping boy. Graduate from belittling your children. We will never get the respect we desire from our children without giving them respect in return. How we treat and speak to them will determine how they deal with others and also with us. Belittling children makes them feel that they are worthless and this feeling can generate a rage which will last far into adulthood. Graduate from making excuses for your children. Children are a lot smarter than we are sometimes. When we make excuses or blame others for our children's bad behavior or poor results due to lack of effort, they know that it is their own fault. Allow your children to take responsibility and ownership for their actions and for their success as well as their failures. Graduate to being a parent who gives your children a good role model, a strong spiritual base and all the love you can. To Top New School Year Resolutions - Charlotte M Klaar, Director, College Consulting Serices Well, the wonderful summer is over and now it is time to get the kids back to school. One of the first hurdles most families face is the return to schedules. This is often difficult for children who have had a loose existence during the summer months, but it is worth easing into it for your own sanity. Perhaps it is time for some New School Year Resolutions. For High School Parents: Stick to your plan and ensure that your child gets enough sleep. Breakfast is a must in order to get those brains working properly. Discuss the activities in which your child(ren) plan to be involved. Do they allow enough time for homework, family time, and simply being a kid? Encourage or insist that your child turn off the TV or Video Game and read quietly for at least 30 minutes a day. The only way to increase Critical Reading skills is to read regularly. If your student is in 10th grade, have him/her take the PSAT for practice both so that the mystery is removed from this assessment and so that you will know what areas need work before junior year. No matter what grade your child is in, start planning for college. Look at the grades, the activity resume your child is building, and the intellectual curiosity or lack of it that your child is showing. Discuss these things as a family. If necessary, get help to see what you can do to help your child help him/herself. For College Parents: If your child has just left for his/her first year away from home, be strong! You will get that phone call telling you how homesick your child is or how terrible the new roommate is or what a mistake this school was. Remind yourself that all this is normal and resist the urge to jump in and try to rescue your child. Be supportive but don't react by allowing your child to come home too often or to leave school. Remind your student about the dangers of credit cards. No matter how cute the T-Shirt is that (s)he will get for signing up, credit cards are a danger for our kids. Have a frank discussion about sexual activity. Don't be an ostrich! Hopefully, your student will adhere to the values you have promoted in your home, but ensure that (s)he is prepared for the temptations. Role-play how to say ‘No’ effectively. Discuss Sexually Transmitted Diseases and the life-long ramifications they can have. Do yourself a favor and find a life that is full now that it does not revolve around that child who has just left home. Remember that a parent who is a complete person in his/her own right is the best role model you can give your child. If you have questions about how to navigate the waters leading to a successful college choice, call me. I would be happy to help! To Top Beginnings - Charlotte M Klaar, Director, College Consulting Serices As another summer draws to a close, parents and students look forward to the new challenges and opportunities that will present themselves in the coming year. Those of you who are preparing to drop your student off at college face particular issues. We all tend to wonder both whether the values we tried to instill in our children have truly taken root and how we can keep them from making wrong decisions as they move off on their own. One thing I try to remember is that it is only by making mistakes that we learn. Your student may not do everything perfectly and (s)he may experience some hurts along the way to a college degree, but the bottom line is that (s)he will grow and learn from these experiences. It will be difficult for many of you to let go and allow your students to figure out the answers to problems for themselves. We have been rescuing our kids for so long that it is now a habit, and what we may have inadvertently taught them is that we think they are incompetent without our guiding hand. I know this is not a universal rule and many of you have given your kids the opportunity both to fail and to succeed on their own merits. Good for you! This is how we raise competent and confident kids. If it is not what you do, think about what you are gaining from being so enmeshed with your child. This is his/her life, not yours! If your student is about to begin high school, make sure that you encourage him/her to take the most challenging curriculum in which (s)he is capable of succeeding. That means there is an expectation that time needs to be put in after school not only to do homework that needs to be passed in but also to study so that a true understanding of the subject matter is achieved. Prioritize your household activities. Does your son or daughter spend more time on athletic practice than schoolwork? Do you make sure that you have dinner together as a family at least a couple of times a week? Are you open to hearing your student's ideas even if they differ from your own? Do you encourage independent thought? Do you hold the bar high on the expectations you have for your child? All of these are elements of strong families and strong students. Remind your high schoolers that these four years are preparation for college. The records they amass cannot be changed. They need to understand clearly that after high school there is no entitlement to a college degree. It is a meritocracy and each person has to earn the right to be admitted on his/her own merits. Mom and Dad can't sue or buy your way in. This is something that can't be fixed by a tantrum. Only your students' hard work, diligence and performance will earn them admission. Remind your child that suspension or expulsion stays on the record and that it will affect financial aid and possibly admission. Both the FAFSA and the Common Application require that you disclose this information, and many colleges ask the question on their own applications as well. There are consequences to inappropriate behaviors and, if you have not yet taught your child that fact, now is the time. I wish you all a wonderful school year and know that you will do very well! 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